Friday, May 03, 2013

I Don't Think We're Talking The Same Thing

(Warning Crass)


Ian: Did you find it?

Me: No I got busy doing my course.

Ian: What course?

Me: A course I'm taking on-line

Ian: On what?

Me: Canine Reproduction

Ian: Dog fucking! I have a whole bunch of guys at work who can teach you all about dog fucking.
 
God this man makes me giggle!
 
 

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL HUNTERS





IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL HUNTERS

-IF YOU CAN’T SEE IT, DON’T SHOOT IT.

-IF YOU DON’T EAT IT OR WEAR IT, DON’T SHOOT IT.

-DON’T SHOOT THE WOMEN.

-DON’T SHOOT THE CHILDREN.

-DON’T SHOOT THE DOGS.

-DON’T SHOOT AT THE CAMP BUILDINGS.


IF YOU CAN’T FIND THE CRITTERS BUT NEED TO SHOOT SOMETHING....
  • A FEW OF IANS' BUDDIES ARE TOUGH MEAT BUT FAIR GAME.
  • FUCKWITS ARE ALWAYS IN SEASON
  • ANYONE FROM MY TOWN COUNCIL. (Redundant, see above)
  • MY BOSS. (Again redundant.)

HUNTER/FUCKWIT POINT SYSTEM



Women -1000 pts    Dogs -1000 pts    Camp -1000 pts
 
Kids under 10 -200 pts      Kids Over 10 -50 pts
 
Teenagers -25 pts       Ians' Buddies +200 pts
 
Fuckwits +300 pts     Council Members +1000 pts
 
My Boss +500 pts     Deer +100 pts     Moose +100
 
Fowl +50 pts    Road Signs -200 pts     Tin Cans -25 pts
 
Bambi -5,000 pts   Me -5,000,000 pts

Chipmunks -100 pts (what the hell did they ever do to you?)
 
Other Hunters + or - depending on how big a fuckwit (see point system)
 
 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A FUCKWIT WHEN YOU SCORE ANY OF THE MINUS POINTS SO BE CAREFUL OUT THERE. REAL HUNTERS ARE GUNNING FOR YOU.

Monday, October 24, 2011

To Fathom Hell Or Soar Angelic, Just Take A Pinch Of Psychedelic - Humphry Osmond


10 things I Never Did


Most People Drink From The Fountain Of Knowledge, I Only Gargled - I never completed High School (I blame it on the two-fours, the 26ers and the pinch or two of psychedelics of my youth)

Bambi – I never hit a deer with my car (I’m really good at driving forward but Ian is on deer # 6 or 8. I’ve lost count by now)

Forward Facing - I've never towed a trailer because I’m lousy at backing up (see Pattern in “10 things I did do”)

Stuck In The Mud - Never been to any foreign exotic places (not including the occasional psychedelic mind trip of my youth)

Need For Speed - Never driven a race car (racing down the hwy because I’m late for work doesn't count)

Luck of the Irish - Never been arrested (It's still early yet so it still just might make my bucket list)

Never Is A Long Time – Never finished the “Never List” because the “Did Do” list is so much more fun to remember.

10 Things I Did Do      


Naked Men - Got in a bar fight at a male strip club to save my sisters ass

Fight - Got stuffed under a car and rescued by a bouncer (see above)

Cliché - Beat a stalker with a kitchen pot (I so wish I could say it was a cast iron frying pan, that would be so much more awesome then a metal sauce pot although I did get some really good distance with it.) Then of course I had his ass thrown in jail for good measure.

Pattern – Backed my car into another car at the McDonald's drive thru, backed into a fence, backed into the only other parked car in an extremely large but otherwise completely empty parking lot. (damn things just seem to jump in the way when I'm not looking)

Lost & Found - Lost my glasses and found them in the freezer (no alcohol involved) Lost my virginity at a way too young age (alcohol involved)

PMSL - Laughed so hard, tears were running down my leg

Pay Back – Hit a skunk then made the muffler guy crawl under the car to repair the new muffler he didn’t install properly hoping that because I am a woman I’d come back for the tailpipe he insisted I needed when I knew I didn’t. (Sometimes both a run on sentence and Karma is your friend!)

Cliff Hanger - Went on an Outward Bound weekend that involved climbing a cargo net as well as a rock face, then rappelled down (going down is way more awesome then going up)

Civil Rights - Twice fought for something I believed in so strongly that it made me angry enough to cry while I was speaking at a stupid council meeting to stupid commie loving BasTurds. To add insult to injury, I then had my crying jag written about in the local newspaper, again not once but twice.

Hanky Panky - Did the four-legged frolic in 1 or 2 or 10 public places (who’s counting)

Sappy - Fell in love and stayed in love. (See Hanky Panky on reasons why those embers are still burning)


OK, so sue me, that’s 11. I could probably go on forever but a girl does need to keep a few secrets and every time I post to my blog I ask myself, "Is this TMI?" The answer I usually give myself is "but it made me LOL" so since this is my blog I leave it in. This usually follows with my next question "Is anyone even reading this for it to matter?"  Since I get very few comments, I don't know so.... in the spirit of Pink Floyd on psychedelics....."is there any body out there?"


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Doggy Style or if you prefer Ian's School of Sex Ed

My girl Ripley aka Ripples is in day 5 of her season. As I wanted to determine if it was time Ripples should go visit her "date" and to find out how my young male Quinn would deal with an in season female I figured I would bring them together in a controlled meeting to judge their responses. Ripples, the experienced girl that she is was all over him... well, like a bitch in heat. Quinn on the other hand wasn't sure just what he was supposed to do with this whirlwind of teasing, flaunting femininity. I remained quiet and ready to whisk them apart all the while letting Ripley do her thing but Quinn as excited as he was, still kept coming back to me for reassurance. He totally failed to get the complete picture that she was so expressively painting for him. 

 Later that evening as Ian and I were sitting around, I expressed my worry that when the time comes Quinn would either be totally clueless or too submissive around bitches in season. Neither of which is a good thing in a prospective stud dog. Ian of course felt I was worried about nothing as Quinn just needed to actually be "taught" what to do.

Now despite the many years of my breeding dogs Ian prefers to be a hands off kind of guy when it comes to the actual breeding and birthing of the puppies. He really has very little knowledge on how dogs actually do it, I know this as a fact because (1) he is constantly tell me he "don't know nothing 'bout birthing no puppies" and (2) in the not so distance past, Ian once walked in during a mating where the dogs had "tied" and exclaimed "They're doing it wrong! They're backwards!" OK, that being said, Ian is right in the fact that there have been times when a breeder needs to help an inexperienced male but the dog generally has a natural instinct that gives us something to work with.

Knowing Ian's lack of experience in doggy sex and never one to pass up the opportunity to tease him I decided to be a smart arse and ask ....

OK Ian, what do you mean taught, If not by instinct how exactly were you "taught" to do it?

 Ian's too quick response....
 Porno movies, magazines, back alleys.

BACK ALLEYS!!!! Alrighty then, add to that a story he once told me about a park bench, I now firmly believe Ian knows a lot more about dogs and bitches in heat then I first thought.

Feeling like I need a shower and some penicillin right about now.



Sunday, October 09, 2011

About As Useful As a 3 Pecker Billy Goat


Two weeks ago I hear a message on my answering machine from my sister saying her car won't start and she needs me to come boost her. Not surprising since it sat in her yard for almost a year but I digress. So finally the other day I get off my ass and go visit her bringing the handy, dandy booster box I bought Ian for Christmas one year. When I arrive she grabs the keys and we go out and pop the hood then both stand and stare at the battery........If any one's thinking "Just like a woman" right now, you'd be wise not to say it out loud.


OK since the battery doesn't suddenly charge under our intense stare I have to rely on past experiences. Yes, there has been a few rare occasions (shut up Ian, I know why I bought you that box for Christmas) where I have forgotten to turn off my vehicle lights or left a door not fully closed so I do know the clamps go to the battery posts, then you start the car you are trying to boost. The problem is although I am 99% sure the red goes on red and the black goes on black that little 1% is nagging me. Vicki helpfully tells me that the positive goes on the positive and the negative goes on the negative but really I'm supposed to know which is which?! I dealing with red and black here!


Since I have a 50/50 chance to get it right I bravely clamp the black on black. WTF! It pops off. I do it again, clamp, electrical snap, pop off. Clamp, snap, pop and so on and so on. After a dozen tries and several f. bombs later Vicki again ever so helpfully turns to me and says "you sound just like your father did yesterday when he tried". (Wait a minute! Dad was here and he couldn't do it but I'm supposed to be able to? and, Hey! How did he become just "MY" father?)

In response to my dirty glare she offers to try to do it but casually throws out there that she did recently have heart surgery. I quickly respond back that she should be the one to do it since she is the one equipped with her own personal defibrillator which sets us both off into a round of giggles that parallel a virgin at her first visit to a male strip club.


At this point 1 of her daughters walks out stating all she can hear is our "cackling" all through the house. "Bite me kid" and "why aren't you boosting your mother" quickly comes to mind, but me, being the gracious aunt that I am, bites my tongue instead. As she gets into her new, shiny, red car and leaves I spy a a big burly, grease under his nails, good Samaritan crossing the street so with my best come hither look plead for some assistance.


Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: "Well you are in luck little ladies" he states "as I am a mechanic and sure can help". (not at all sounding like John Wayne)
Sister: Giggling like a school girl meeting Justin Bieber, "well we sure could use a mechanic."

(With that giggle I'm thinking there is something else my single sister needs. But sorry again I digress.)


So with that he quickly sets the clamps with nary a fuss, well except for the reprimand that you never put the ground on first to which, since I am a gracious person currently in need of a good Samaritan, I again had to bite my tongue and not yell "Bite me, the other one wouldn't stay on!" and settle with "There's a ground?"

I jump in the car twist the key and click...sputter sputter, click...sputter sputter, click...sputter sputter.


Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: Well, your box is not charged! You need to charge it up.

At this point all I want to say is that it's my single sisters box that currently needs charging but stick to explaining that the electrical cord for the box is not with me.


Big Burly, Grease Under His Nails, Mechanic Samaritan: No problem just use a normal extension cord. See there is a plug outlet for it right here.
Me: Really? (doubt oozing from every fiber of my being) That outlet would work?


After assuring us that it would he leaves and my sister hurries into the house to find a cord.


Me: Err,Vicki come back, it's not going to work
Sister: Just a minute I'm looking for an extension cord.
Me: Don't bother it's not going to work.


10 min later my sister returns with extension cord......


Me: Forget about it, it won't work.
Sister: Why won't it work?
Me: If you plug it into the box electrical outlet you have nothing to plug it into the wall outlet.
Sister: Oh your right we're going to need two extension cords.
Me: Vicki come back, (vbs) its not going to work.

10 min later my sister returns......


Sister: We are out of luck I only have 1 cord.
Me: (takes deep breath and reminds self, she was recently without oxygen for a period of time) It won't work cause the booster box plug is a female needing a male part and the wall plug is a female needing a male part. I've never seen an extension cord with two plugs and I wouldn't be crazy enough to try and use one if I did.
Sister: Giggles again like....well you fill this one in, I've run out of quips.


Skinny, Young Kid Samaritan who pops up out of nowhere: Hey Ladies, do you need some help? I used to be a mechanic but I didn't like it cause they all over charge people for work that is not done and I wouldn't do it so my boss fired me but I do something else now (clean carpets I think) after I did some job (that had something to do with) logging in the bush.


Me: (silently to myself) Oh great another mechanic, who got fired, who will equally try and get one of us electrocuted like the last one.


Skinny, Young Kid, Former Mechanic, Logger and Something Else Good Samaritan: I have booster cables. I'll push the car out to the road and you can use your vehicle to boost it. Look here comes my wife, she can help push.


All goes as planned and the Skinny, Young Kid, Former Mechanic, Logger and Something Else Good Samaritan then looks over the car, tells us to leave it running for awhile and that it would help to keep it over so many rpms to give the battery some charge but it looks like the car needs antifreeze so watch it doesn't over heat. With the offer to always be available if needed he and wife leave.

(I'm such a bitch and silently apologize for my earlier sarcastic thoughts)


So you think this story ends here? Wrong, the temp gauge starts to go up so I jump in my vehicle to run and get some antifreeze. Off I go racing down the street but am forced to wait for a senior woman, looking frazzled crossing the road who then suddenly appears at my window.


Senior woman: I'm not from here, I'm looking for the mall to get to the bus station and think I'm lost.
Me: You are on the right road, just continue straight to the end and you will come to the mall
Senior woman: At the end of this long road? but I'm so tired (eyes semi-roll back into her head).
Me: (feeling guilty as all hell) I'd offer you a ride but I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry to get some stuff for my sisters car before it blows up.


So I drive off praying that the woman's name isn't Karma and after picking up both antifreeze and oil cause I forgot which shit I originally went for, I return to my sisters. Miraculously the car is still running so we pop the hood and (Wait for it..... Do you know what's coming next?) begin to pour the bottle of oil into the oil-nozzle thingy. In case you don't already know......Oil + hot engine + snap, crackle, spit = me jumping half out of my skin and spilling half the bottle all over a very hot motor.


Me: Holy shit! Is there fire under all that billowing smoke?
Sister: I don't know
Me: Do you have insurance
Sister: Nope
Me: Fuck


10 min later after the majority of the smoke has cleared....


Me: Should I pour the rest in?
Sister: (pulls out dip stick) No, there is more then enough.
Me: How do you know, you didn't do it right and wipe down the stick first! (pours rest of bottle in, finds a scrap of paper, wipes dipstick and checks oil level).
Me: Err ...Vicki, your right, there is twice as much in as there should be.


Sister: the lid on the antifreeze tank says do not open if hot.
Me: OK, lets wait.
Sister: (after a lengthy 5 second wait reaches over and unscrews the lid)
Me: How do you know how much to put in?
Sister: I'll pour it, I'll know there's enough when it starts to bubble over.
Me: OK, sounds good to me


And so here ends my visit with my sister....we had a few giggles, the car finally got boosted, we met a couple of mechanics as well as an old lady who I'm sure is named Karma and who I expect to see again shortly.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Crucifixion Doesn't Alway Mean Saintly



Ian tried to crucify himself last weekend. Despite what others may believe he really is not that saintly, as I proved here. What he was on this occasion was stupid, careless and foolhardy. OK, that may sound too harsh but when using an air powered nail gun you do not stand on the wrong side of what you are nailing resulting in your pointing the gun towards yourself! (Warning: A 3 & 3/4 inch air powered nail will shoot all the way through 1 inch plywood and halfway through you finger like a knife through butter) (Are you done cringing yet?) Although not impressed with his failure to think safety first I was extremely impressed that he didn't punch his buddy Scott when he grabbed Ian's hand and yanked the almost 4 inch nail out. When I think about it though, Ian who is generally mild mannered except when he hurts himself, is not a very large man and Scott, while we may call him Scottie, is by no means a small man by any stretch of the imagination so perhaps extremely impressed should be down graded to rather grateful. It probably helped that Ian was lucid enough to ask to be given a moment to collect himself and that everyone else wisely took 5 steps back. What didn't help was that despite all of us owning First-aid kits they of course were no where to be found either being back at the car, or at home, or at the other camp sites. Proof again that MacGyver I am not despite what some people like to say. What also didn't help was Ian could not remember when he had his last tetanus shot but I ask you who ever can remember if it wasn't within the last year? All in all it could have been worse then 5 hours sitting in the hospital ER, a tetanus shot and a very colorful finger but I bet next weekend all of us will have our first aid kits prepped and ready.


P.S: I'm allergic to 5 hour hospital emergency rooms waits and dirt borne diseases that makes you shake violently enough to snap bones so I have an appointment booked for my tetanus shot in two weeks.


P.S.S: Since it would have been unseemly for me to be snapping photo's of Ian "bleeding out" there are no before and after pic's so I had to make do with a really bad drawing.

Unsuspecting accident waiting to happen




OH my little retarded buddy, did you get a boo boo?




Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Big Girls Don't Wear Diapers

Dear Mom and Mother Nature,
Mom, you feed me every day without pay or complaint, yes it's the crappy nutritious, crunchy stuff and I'd much prefer what you eat but it fills my belly so I love you. Yes, you've given me my own bed to sleep in and although I wouldn't mind sharing your bed I'll admit the cookie before I go to sleep each night makes me your slave. I thank you for the long meandering walks through the bush where I get to enjoy all of what Mother Nature has to offer. Although you try to stop me from rolling in all that wonderful, berry filled bear poop I usually get a good long roll in once or twice before we have to go home so I still adore you. Since you take me for car rides to interesting places like Lake Nipissing where there is no possible way to prevent me from rolling in the aromatic dead bodies of shad flies, I can forgive you the occasional trick ride to the vets.
 Mother Nature, you have given me leaves to run through, logs to jump over and cool running waters to drink and swim in. You provide me with mud puddles to bury my head in, small animals to chase after and smelly, large animal poop to roll in. I adore you to the extreme and your wonderful bounty makes me quiver with excitement BUT dear Mother Nature when you come visiting me bearing your womanly "gift" and mom puts these embarrassing diapers on me, well it's at moments like this I despise you both! 
Pissed off,  Love, Sincerely,
Cricket

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Thursday, September 29, 2011

They Call Me MacGyver

My so called friends are laughing at me and have taken to calling me MacGyver whenever I venture out to the camp. I have no idea why.


Ok so I do not think that a bear is going to come out and eat me (today since it’s raining and I’m locked in my house) I just think I should be prepared in case the bears aren’t up to speed on what the experts say a bear should do when suddenly encountering a  human in their backyard.


Things to consider re: Bears and Bear Spray

-  Get the large “don’t eat me” size, not the small “spice me up and make me tasty for the bear” size.
-  Get the cheap water bottle holder from the dollar store that gives you easy access, not the expensive holster that you have to fight with to get it out. (You want access to it before the bear has ripped your head off)
-  Spray it at the Bears face, not your face, (I know but it had to be said)
-  Do not practise flipping off the nozzle spray guard and aiming in the house ( I know but it made Ian really nervous)
-  Do not run from the bear but back away slowly and calmly (yeah right). If the bear follows you do not spray the pepper spray until the bear is within close range, say less then 5 ft or so. Shitting your pants is a perfectly acceptable activity to keep you occupied while you wait. (note to self: add change of underwear to inventory)
-  If you see your dogs running at you full speed ahead, don’t stop to ask questions just run past the person next to you and pray that they are slower then you are.
-  Lastly, unlike Jenny Lawson (bloggess & terrible mother) do not grab your camera and small child while running towards the bear ( I know but it had to be said)

Now if none of the above has helped you and you've already had your head ripped off during a bear encounter then you are unlikely to find this funny




Friday, September 23, 2011

I've turned into twisted version of my mother


Bedtime around here is a ritual affair and is normally fairly simple and routine. Everyone goes for a last bathroom break, runs to their beds and gets a cookie but sometimes when one little thing goes a little off kilter it generally all goes horribly wrong and something like this........
OK everyone wake up its time for bed, hurry, hurry, go pee now. Good babies now everyone off to bed..... Archer here. Quiver come. Good Quinn......Ripley here, Ripley wrong bed, Archer for gods sakes get over here.....Kira get out of there and let Ripley in her bed. Quinn where did you go? Cricket, Cricket, Cricket.......Where's Quiver? What are you doing still outside, get to bed Quiver!.......NO ONE'S GOING TO GET A COOKIE IF YOU DON'T GET TO BED! Good Kira. Cricket in, in Cricket, all the way, hey your not Cricket! Quinn get to your own damn bed! ......

Kira/Ripley/George/Quinn/Paul/Ringo/Archer/Cricket/Quiver/Whoever the hell you are! GET TO BED!

Then it hits me. My sister, brothers and I all grew up thinking our name was "Vicki/Peter/Jane/Greg/whoever-the-hell-you-are!" It's now official.... I've turned into twisted version of my mother only with dogs not kids.
 
I still think I got the better deal, 6 dogs beats 4 kids any day.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

So I ask you.... Saint or Passive Aggressive?

Ian is a saint, or so everyone keeps telling me, our friends, his friends, my mom (traitor), everyone. I even agree with them sometimes cause really he does put up with me. I know, it's hard to believe I'm not perfect. It's true, not everyone could put up with me, I am a tad overbearing, just slightly judgmental and a little bit of a know it all opinionated. I admit a few hours spent arguing with and getting my fathers goat over the kitchen table is a favorite past time of mine but what can I say I love me and so does he. But is he a Saint? Yes Ian gets up with the dogs on the weekend to let me sleep in if I wish ....or is it so he has an extra hour or two to himself?. Yes, he rarely argues with me and lets me have my way on most things just to keep me happy ....or is it just to keep me quiet and out of the little of what's left of his hair? Yes, Ian does the majority of cooking around here but come on, I know that's just because he wants to eat! Ok yes he's pretty good, I can't deny it but a Saint? You tell me.

Scene- 3 PM Call to Ian's cell phone.
Me: Brrrrrrrrrrr
Ian before me: Note- Hair lots, Hair black, Smile on face.
Ian: I'm on my way home I'm planning on cleaning the chimney when I get there.


Scene- Ian gets in the door.
Me: Brrrrrrrrrrr
Ian: I'm on it, I'm on it.


Scene- Ian on the roof.
Me: I got 9.1 dialed on the phone
Ian: Could you hold the bottom of the ladder?
Me: Ok but are sure you just don't want me to keep my finger over the last 1, cause you don't really expect me to catch you if you fall do you?
Ian: Hold the ladder women!


Scene- Ian off the roof and getting ready to shower.
Me: Brrrrrrrrrr
Ian: Silence


Scene- Ian eating his supper.
Ian after me: Note- Very little hair, Completely grey,
No room left on the couch
Me: Brrrrrrrrrr didn't you start a fire?
Ian: No, you didn't really want me to start a fire did you? It's supposed to warm up and we'll just bake all night and not get any sleep.
Me: Brrrrrrrrr


Scene- Later that night ,Ian returns from the basement.
Me: Hey, what were you doing down there?
Ian: I just started a fire.
Me: Bites tongue, contorts face
Ian: What! You wanted a fire!!!!
Me: Yes but that was hours ago, now the house will just heat up in time for bed and we're gonna bake all night.
Me: Ian are you alright? Your face looks a little red.



So I ask you.... Saint or Passive Aggressive?

Friday, September 16, 2011

Don't buy 'fresh' semen online, warns Health Canada

So I recently read an article titled Don't buy 'fresh' semen online, warns Health Canada and I just have to stop and think REALLY!? again REALLY!?

Being a dog breeder, artificial insemination is just not that big a deal to me. You research the dog, the breeder, have health testing done such as sperm count, and STD's (yes dogs do have their own version of sexually transmitted diseases.) The breeder does the um... lets say "deed" so as not to freak you out any more then you already must be, and if the bitch is present inserts the sperm via a syringe and pipette or has it frozen via cryopreservation and shipped for the vet to surgically insert. But REALLY!? This article is talking about Human Semen!

What woman in her right mind buys human Semen on-line??? Good Lord they don't even get a free cocktail let alone dinner and a movie! To be fair I admit I haven't been on the dating market for a long time however can it be so bad that some lonely woman so desperate for a child would even consider the purchase of semen from an on-line website? Do they get to see pictures of the donor, ask questions? Granted we all my have a crazy aunt or two in our pedigree so not throwing stones or anything but children are scary enough as it is, doesn't the mother at least want to know who to blame when little Linda's head starts spinning while she is levitating off the bed?






Wednesday, September 07, 2011

To much booze for this Loose Moose?

There has been a time or two when I have let loose and had a few drinks too many only to wake up the next day and hope everyone else at the party were all too involved in their own drunken antics to remember mine. However this poor moose, who found itself in a slight predicament after indulging in a few too many fermented apples is going to have a hard time living this one down now that the pictures have been plastered all over the Internet. Oh the shame of it all!




Full story
http://www.thelocal.se/36002/20110907/

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I haven’t lost it yet

My 73 year old mom has cancer. She learned of this because she had bubbles in her pee. Such a simple thing results in her learning she had a tumour in her kidney and a tumour in her vena cava. Mom did not cry. Everyone else did.

Off she goes to Toronto for what the doctors said would be a two hour operation that would leave her cancer free. After eight hours in surgery we learn the operation did not go as planned. Can you say understatement? The tumour in her vena cava was in fact a thrombosis; a tumour - blood clot mix that was higher then expected. We learned this thrombosis could not be sealed off and that during the operation further complications damaged her spleen resulting in it also having to be removed. Now, due to a botched surgery, the cancer would spread thanks to contaminate blood coming into contact with her other internal organs. Can you say incompetent doctors? Mom did not cry. Everyone else did.

At 72 years old she worked right up until the day she was diagnosed. Yes! still working way past retirement age, taking the bus in the early morning so that dad didn’t have to get up or could go golfing if he wanted to. Needless to say mom is a strong independent women.
Mom has not had the easiest life and sometimes I despair not always the happiest. With a large extended family she has always been our backbone, holding us together through thick and thin.  I regretfully put my parents through hell during my teenage years. When I eventually came home at 18, unwed with a 6 month old baby, without reproach, she opened her doors then got me back up on my feet. Forget vacations abroad, a big home, fine jewelry or a fancy wardrobe she was content just to have Bingo night with the Ya Ya sisters. No life has not always been easy for mom but she met every issue and every problem head on with common sense and a large dash of humour.
Mom has now been on chemo for a full year and she tells me she did finally cry once over a silly argument with my dad.


Chemo- it keeps you alive while killing you.


Mom has been relatively lucky, if you could call anything lucky while being on chemo it’s that she has had few side effects. The biggest one for her is that it makes her extremely tired. Four weeks on, two weeks off and so on and so on.
At week one she starts to slow down and limit her outings. At week two she starts to give into the dreaded nap. By week 3 she is limited to her once a week supper and bingo outing with the Ya Ya sisters (more on them later) At week 4 showers are a thing of the past and lifting the blankets to turn over becomes a chore. Two weeks to regain strength then the cycle resumes.





I haven’t lost it yet                                      


Scene: mom phones me, giggling

Ring, Ring

Me: Hi mom, what’s up?

Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone when I called?

Me: what do you mean? I just did!

Mom: No I mean when I dialled all ten numbers before I realized I was holding the TV remote.
Me: Oh Mom, are you’re losing it?!!!

Mom: No, not yet. when you find I put the Iron in the freezer then you’ll know I’m losing it

Scene: mom phones me, perturbed


Ring, Ring,
Me: Hi mom, how are you feeling?

Mom: I’m wearing two pairs of socks and a mitt on my foot.

Me: Hysterical giggles.

Mom: Why are you laughing?

Me: I’m sorry but I just pictured you walking around with the fingers waving around with each step

Mom: I said a mitt not a glove!

Me: Sorry but the image just popped in my head and I can’t get it out.

Mom: Well stop it; there are no fingers, only a thumb

Me: (once the giggles subside) Mom please tell me, why are you wearing a mitt on your foot?

Mom: don’t worry I’m not losing it yet, I just have a couple of blisters so I have to stop my chemo.


Scene: Hospital parking lot after visiting my sister who was admitted after a serious heart attack that stopped her heart. Mom drifting to the right, car is parked on the left.
Me: Mom where are you going?

Mom: giggles, wherever the wind takes me!


Scene: mom phones me after my sister is released from the hospital

Ring, Ring

Me: Hi Mom

Mom: I just spoke to your sister

Me: How is she feeling?

Mom: She told me she went to bed and just died so I said… AGAIN?


Insomnia = Justifiable Homicide?


Justifiable Homicide? some times late at night I think...
I'll take my chances if the judge a woman!

There once was a tired man from Trout Creek,
whose snoring was making his girl freak.
She plotted and planned,
where his body would land.
He's toast once she's perfected her technique.

There once was a man and his dog,
who found themselves in tonights blog.
With my trying to sleep,
both their snoring did compete.
Sure wish I could quiet that man and his dog.

There once was a woman in love
with the man she once dreamed of
But the sound of his snore,
she could take no more.
Oh the torture that woman did conceive of


There once was a man who was kicked to the floor
cause he woke the whole house with his very loud snore.
He begged and he pleaded,
and claimed he was needed.
Oh, that man better know of a good jewelry store.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Dog Finds Severed Leg in Trout Creek, Ontario

A Golden Retriever found a severed leg while out hiking in Trout Creek, Ontario. The grisly find further lead to two decapitated teens (one with a very strange smile on his face) on the lower floor of a partially built camp. Police have not released the identity of the witnesses at this time however it has been reported that several people overheard the youths repetitively asking, "are we there yet, are we there yet", "I'm bored, I'm hungry" and "Mom, Mother, Mommy, Mom, Mom, Ma Ma, Mommy".

Upon further investigation police stumbled apon a middle aged man found on the top floor whose body was so mangled pictures were deemed to  gruesome to publish. Written in nail polish on what was left of the mans body were the strange words "No more trouser cleavage".

Currently charged and in custody is one of the youths mother however sources within the police department believe once the crown attorney has time to fully review the case it will be determined a justifiable homicide and all charges dropped.

In a related story, the body of a man was found in the nearby town of North Bay. Sources in the North Bay Police Department state this will also likely be determined a justifiable homicide when investigating officers learned, the no good husband failed to wake his wife as asked, leaving her and son behind, without a vehicle while he snuck off with out them to their shared camp in Trout Creek.




Thursday, August 25, 2011

Come On Lets Go Go Go!

video

There is nothing in life quite like canine exuberance! The mighty Quinn either wants to play chicken with the 4-wheeler or he's telling me to get my ass in gear and put the pedal to the metal. I suspect the latter as he is a bit of a mom ma's boy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

On The Road To Camp

This doll and her friend is at the end of someones driveway on the road into our camp. I just have to post this because of it's total awesomeness and perhaps it will help our first time visitors know they're in the right area.

You know you entered the backwoods when you see this ................. 

You know you belong when you think totally awesome!!!

You know you have no brains common sense fear if you actually stop there for directions.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

100 acres just doesn't sound big enough does it?

4 families, 13 people and 13 dogs building a hunt camp. 100 acres just doesn't sound big enough does it? Insane? Yes, but with the property being literally 5 min down the road by 4 wheeler and surrounded on two sides by crown land it was a deal we would have been absolutely crazy to let pass.


Building trails was the first order of business which was easier then I first expected when you have a bunch of power tool hungry men around. Of course Safety first and Giggles second so Ian dressing like a giant pylon is a definite must!






Lots of mixed hardwood but also tons of rock so at times we had to dig in when we couldn't go around.





However when the going got really rough Scottie felt a little trouser cleavage might help inspire us to dig in and work a little quicker to get it all over and done with. Me, being who I am of course, just had to post this pic to my blog and facebook.


I know, right!
Exactly what friends are for.







Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Fetch Boo Boo Fetch

As the cascading water ends I look pitifully across the room and think, why didn't I teach one of the dogs to fetch useful things like towels? .... Fetch Boo Boo, Fetch.
I know I have repeatedly told them that trying to lick me dry kind of defeated the purpose of my taking a shower but they distrust my logic. Least they could do is lick up the puddles on the floor.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011



Equipment Needed For A New Puppy 
  • Food - 20 or 40 lb bag of dog food depending on the size of the breed.
  • Puppy Treats - "Milk Bone" dog biscuits, "Roll Over" sausage roll, dried Liver snacks. No cheap dye and chemical filled junk treats!
  • Dog Crate - Large for a female, extra large for a male. We prefer plastic as it is durable, easy to clean and will contain the dog dirt and hair. Wire is acceptable and slightly cheaper but will rust with time. Blankets and soft beds are not necessary in the crate. They are usually just to make us feel better as the dogs generally find them too hot but a great thing to chew.

  • Metal Stainless Steel Food Bowl - Plastic is hard to clean, retains bacteria and germs, and is easy to chew.
  • Stainless Steel Water Bucket. Must be food grade steel not galvanized metal. Plastic horse bucket found in farm and tack stores is acceptable but is not as sanitary and can be chewed.
  • 6 Foot (quality) Leather Leash - It will last your lifetime with a minimum of care and is gentle on your hands when teaching a dog not to pull. Nylon leashes of the right size and quality are durable, easy to clean, long lasting and come in pretty colours but can injure your hands when teaching a young dog not to pull.
  • 2 Nylon (adjustable) Buckle Collars - Medium for puppy, large for adult.
  • Clicker - a small plastic box that makes a clicking noise to instantaneously mark and reinforce a desired behavior. We will demonstrate the benefits of clicker training the day you take your puppy home.
  • Quality (welded) Slip Collar - Incorrectly called a choke collar but when used properly is one of the most safe and effective ways to correct a young dog from pulling and making other serious mistakes that could endanger their lives. It should be sized to roll over the dogs head and ears and will need to be replaced with the next size up as the adolescent dog grows to adulthood. Not to be used on a young puppy. NEVER leave a slip collar on an unattended dog!
  • Fenced Yard and/or a Security Pen or Dog Run - a 10 x 10 x 6 foot chain metal fence that sits over patio stone or cement in a semi-shaded area. These portable runs are invaluable for ensuring the safety and security of your puppy and can greatly assists in house training while you are temporarily away from home. 4W x 10L x 6H or 4W x 8L x 6H run is also an acceptable size for a medium to large breed dog.
  • Lots and Lots of Toys - Quality hard rubber for chewing, eyeless and buttonless stuffed toys for snuggling and carrying..
  • Dog Blanket or Matt or Thin, Soft Dog Bed- optional place for the dog to settle on his own or when he has learned the "down stay" or "go lay down" command.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Parvovirus: Receiving conflicting advice?



Parvovirus: Receiving conflicting advice?

Basically a newborn puppy is not naturally immune to diseases. However, it does have some antibody protection which is derived from its mother's blood via the placenta. The next level of immunity is from antibodies derived from the first milk. Now where the problem comes in is that these maternal antibodies can actually block the effectiveness of a commercial vaccine and since it is different for each puppy in a litter no one can accurately predict when the maternal antibodies will reach a low enough level for the vaccine to work. This results in a period of time from several days to several weeks in which the maternal antibodies are too low to provide protection against the disease but too high to allow a vaccine to work. This period is called the window of susceptibility. This is the time when despite being vaccinated, a puppy can still contract the disease.
The length and timing of the window of susceptibility is different in every litter, and even between individuals in a litter. A study of different puppies showed that the age at which they were able to respond to a vaccine and develop protection (become immunized) covered a wide period of time. At six weeks of age, 25% of the puppies could be immunized. At 9 weeks of age, 40% of the puppies were able to respond to the vaccine. The number increased to 60% by 16 weeks of age, and by 18 weeks, 95% of the puppies were protected by the vaccine.
To add to this is what is called the Herd Effect or Herd Immunity which occurs when the vaccination of a portion of the population (or herd) provides protection to unprotected individuals. Herd immunity theory proposes that, in diseases passed from individual to individual, it is more difficult to maintain a chain of infection when large numbers of a population are immune ie puppy classes ( but only if the locals residents who are not taking class are also not using the area to walk and potty their dogs.) The higher the proportion of individuals who are immune, the lower the likelihood that a susceptible animal will come into contact with an infectious animal. However all it takes is 1 virus shedding animal to infect another so places such as vet offices are actually high risk.
In a nut shell
-puppies are given a series of booster shots (3) starting at 7 weeks to 18 weeks to cover this window of susceptibility and then again at 1 year of age to ensure adequate antibody levels.
- each puppy's response is different so the only likely safe period is after the third vaccination.
- a fully vaccinated animal will not pass on the disease, however an unvaccinated healthy looking adult dog can be a carrier
- viruses such as parvo are particularly long-lived in the environment, lasting anywhere from 1 to 7 months -- commonly surviving 5-7 months in an outside environment. Regular old bleach is still 100% effective against Parvovirus. The dilution for bleach is one part bleach to 30 parts water however due to the large amounts of virus particles shed in the feces of an infected dog (shedding lasts two weeks or more after exposure) and the longevity of the virus, complete eradication of the virus is often impossible.
- precautions need to be taken to lessen the risk of coming into contact with a diseased or carrier animal yet not so restrictive that it hinders the socialization and training that is so critical to ensuring the puppies proper cognitive, temperamental and behavioural development.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Crazy Like A Fox

After a great day with Ripley earning her Working Certificate and reconnecting with some great people at the EPS Working and Hunt test in Powassan ON, I spotted a vixen and her 3 pups playing on the side of the Hemlock road exit into Trout Creek ON.  Sadly only 2 of the 4 have been spotted during subsequent sightings.

 Taken June 11, 2011


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Animal Assisted Activity Program

Animal Assisted Activity Program    

After several years of bugging work to allow me to bring my dogs in to play with the youths I have finally got the go ahead to begin an Animal Assisted Activity Program. On a regular basis the dogs and I will begin providing an individual approach to improve the literacy and communication skills of our youths in confilict with the law by employing a powerful method: reading out loud to the dog. The program utilizes the companionship of my dogs to build and encourage the youth's love of books and allows the participant to practice a broader range of communication skills in a safe, non-judgmental environment. The reading session is then concluded with an outdoor play session for the youth and the dog in order to support the program as an enjoyable event for all involved.
Background
Animal Assisted Activity is a type of therapy that involves an animal with specific characteristics becoming a fundamental part of influencing a youth's motivation for personal growth. Animal-assisted therapy is designed to improve the physical, social, emotional, and/or cognitive functioning of the participant, as well as to provide educational and motivational effectiveness for the participants.
Many kinds of animals are used in Animal Assisted Therapy, including dogs, cats, birds, dolphins, horses, rabbits, lizards, llamas, and other small animals. Such animals are often referred to as "comfort animals".
Benefits (1A)

Physical

  • Improve fine motor skills.
  • Improve gross motor skills.
  • Increase physical activity.
  • It is believed that AAT may also lower blood pressure (1) (2), alleviate stress and anxiety (3), as well as decrease depression (4).

Educational

  • Increase vocabulary.
  • Aid in long- or short-term memory.
  • Improve knowledge of concepts, such as size, color, etc.
  • Increase attention span. (5)
  • Improved knowledge of responsible dog ownership

Motivational

  • Improve willingness to be involved in the reading activity.
  • Supports the reading experience (i.e. learn to enjoy reading for the sake of reading)
  • Improve interactions with staff. (5)
  • Improve interactions with others (5)

Mental

  • Increase verbal interactions.
  • Increase attention skills (i.e. staying on task). (5)
  • Develop leisure/recreation skills.
  • Increase self-esteem. (5)
  • Reduce anxiety. (3)
  • Reduce loneliness.
  • Learn to trust.
  • Enhance quality of life through the human-animal bond.
  • Draws attention outward.
  • Turns off anxiety, anger and depression. (3) (4)
  • Creates a feeling of safety
  • Increases positive expectations of both self and others

Footnotes

(1) Physiological effects of human/companion animal bonding.

Baun MM, Bergstrom N, Langston NF, Thoma L

Abstract

Blood pressure, heart rate, and respiratory rate were recorded in 24 subjects during 3 9-minute measurement sessions in which they petted an unknown dog, petted a dog with whom a companion bond had been established, or read quietly. Based on the findings of this study, several conclusions were drawn: (1) There is a significant difference in changes over time in both systolic and diastolic blood pressure between petting a dog with whom a companion bond has been established and petting a dog with whom no bond exists; (2) the decreases in both systolic and diastolic blood pressure that occur during petting a dog with whom a companion bond has been established parallel the relaxation effect of quiet reading; and (3) there is a " greeting response" to the entry of a dog with whom a companion bond has been established, which results in significantly higher systolic and diastolic pressures than the response either to an unknown dog or to reading.
PMID: 6563527 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]
(1A) Therapy Dogs International
 Perceptions of the Impact of Pet Therapy on Residents/Patients and Staff in Facilities Visited by Therapy Dogs
http://www.tdi-dog.org/images/TDIStudy.pdf

 (2) Animal-assisted therapy in patients hospitalized with heart failure.

Cole KM, Gawlinski A, Steers N, Kotlerman J
University of California, Los Angeles, CA 90095, USA. nskmc@mednet.ucla.edu

Abstract

BACKGROUND: Animal-assisted therapy improves physiological and psychosocial variables in healthy and hypertensive patients.
OBJECTIVES: To determine whether a 12-minute hospital visit with a therapy dog improves hemodynamic measures, lowers neurohormone levels, and decreases state anxiety in patients with advanced heart failure.
METHODS: A 3-group randomized repeated-measures experimental design was used in 76 adults. Longitudinal analysis was used to model differences among the 3 groups at 3 times. One group received a 12-minute visit from a volunteer with a therapy dog; another group, a 12-minute visit from a volunteer; and the control group, usual care. Data were collected at baseline, at 8 minutes, and at 16 minutes.
RESULTS: Compared with controls, the volunteer-dog group had significantly greater decreases in systolic pulmonary artery pressure during (-4.32 mm Hg, P = .03) and after (-5.78 mm Hg, P = .001) and in pulmonary capillary wedge pressure during (-2.74 mm Hg, P = .01) and after (-4.31 mm Hg, P = .001) the intervention. Compared with the volunteer-only group, the volunteer-dog group had significantly greater decreases in epinephrine levels during (-15.86 pg/mL, P = .04) and after (-17.54 pg/mL, P = .04) and in norepinephrine levels during (-232.36 pg/mL, P = .02) and after (-240.14 pg/mL, P = .02) the intervention. After the intervention, the volunteer-dog group had the greatest decrease from baseline in state anxiety sum score compared with the volunteer-only (-6.65 units, P =.002) and the control groups (-9.13 units, P < .001).
CONCLUSIONS: Animal-assisted therapy improves cardiopulmonary pressures, neurohormone levels, and anxiety in patients hospitalized with heart failure.
PMID: 17962502 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]